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Memories, musings, and finding meaning after losing my one-year-old boy.

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Category Archives: Uncategorized

Shoes

I remember staring at baby shoes on store shelves before you were conceived. I ached to put these tiny little shoes on my future baby’s feet. In the months and years we tried to get pregnant, I would imagine chubby little toes wiggling inside my belly, and getting to kiss these toes once you wereContinue reading “Shoes”

Posted byThis Grieving MamaApril 10, 2021Posted inUncategorizedLeave a comment on Shoes

Red

Red. You were too young to have a favourite colour, but I imagine red would have been it when you got older. It was the colour of the plaid fleece blanket we bundled you in when we brought you home from the hospital. Of one of the nursing bras I wore when breastfeeding you, yourContinue reading “Red”

Posted byThis Grieving MamaMarch 25, 2021Posted inUncategorizedLeave a comment on Red

Descent

The steam of the shower billows over the top of the glass, but the walls are still cold. I sit, bottle clasped in my hands, breathing its scent in so deeply my lungs start to ache. The streams of water and tears tickle my cheeks as I remember.  Your tiny body, the first time weContinue reading “Descent”

Posted byThis Grieving MamaMarch 22, 2021Posted inUncategorizedLeave a comment on Descent

I WAS

He never said mama. And now that he’s gone, I can’t even say I’m a mama with full belief. Being a mother requires having a child, doesn’t it? Having in the present tense, I mean. I had him, but he’s gone. I have wanted to be a mother since I can remember. Watching my friendsContinue reading “I WAS”

Posted byThis Grieving MamaMarch 22, 2021Posted inUncategorizedLeave a comment on I WAS

A Brief History of Time

I sit cross-legged on my living room floor. The same floor my 11-month-old son played on less than two months ago, crawling from toy to toy, laughing as his long eyelashes glinted in the winter sunshine. But now I sit here, alone, and the words I hate so much are on repeat in my head.Continue reading “A Brief History of Time”

Posted byThis Grieving MamaMarch 15, 2021Posted inUncategorizedLeave a comment on A Brief History of Time

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@this.grieving.mama

This mother's day, I'm expecting Babe #2, but Babe #1 isn't Earthside, and that just breaks me.
"Sweet child – since you left my arms, I haven’t stopped searching for you.
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