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Memories, musings, and finding meaning after losing my one-year-old boy.

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Monthly Archives: March 2021

Red

Red. You were too young to have a favourite colour, but I imagine red would have been it when you got older. It was the colour of the plaid fleece blanket we bundled you in when we brought you home from the hospital. Of one of the nursing bras I wore when breastfeeding you, yourContinue reading “Red”

Posted byThis Grieving MamaMarch 25, 2021Posted inUncategorizedLeave a comment on Red

Descent

The steam of the shower billows over the top of the glass, but the walls are still cold. I sit, bottle clasped in my hands, breathing its scent in so deeply my lungs start to ache. The streams of water and tears tickle my cheeks as I remember.  Your tiny body, the first time weContinue reading “Descent”

Posted byThis Grieving MamaMarch 22, 2021Posted inUncategorizedLeave a comment on Descent

I WAS

He never said mama. And now that he’s gone, I can’t even say I’m a mama with full belief. Being a mother requires having a child, doesn’t it? Having in the present tense, I mean. I had him, but he’s gone. I have wanted to be a mother since I can remember. Watching my friendsContinue reading “I WAS”

Posted byThis Grieving MamaMarch 22, 2021Posted inUncategorizedLeave a comment on I WAS

A Brief History of Time

I sit cross-legged on my living room floor. The same floor my 11-month-old son played on less than two months ago, crawling from toy to toy, laughing as his long eyelashes glinted in the winter sunshine. But now I sit here, alone, and the words I hate so much are on repeat in my head.Continue reading “A Brief History of Time”

Posted byThis Grieving MamaMarch 15, 2021Posted inUncategorizedLeave a comment on A Brief History of Time

Archives

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  • June 2021 (2)
  • May 2021 (1)
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  • March 2021 (4)

@this.grieving.mama

2022 ⏩ 2023
Three years old. You should be three years old. Welcoming you into this world was the most miraculous thing I've ever been blessed to experience, and I'll always be thankful for the day you made me your mama. We spent today remembering and honouring you, and playing with your sister. She loved the metallic green balloon we got, which was exactly like the one you got on your first and only birthday. I made vanilla cake this year, even though I can only guess at what would have been your favourite kind of cake. I think you would have loved the cake, but I know you would love this life of ours. I know you would love your sister. And I know you would be the funniest, silliest, sweetest three-year-old there ever was. Happy birthday, buddy. We love you so.
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